The Fear That Keeps Me Up
It’s 1:18am and my home is silent because everyone is sleeping. The truth is that I should be sleeping as well. However, my heart is wrestling with this subtle fear…it’s fear of failing to raise my little boy into a man of God. I know I’ve made reference to this in a previous post but hang in there this isn’t the same thing.
Sometimes I just watch my son play with his action figures or legos and the joy that fills my heart is overwhelming that it hurts. He has the best laugh and silly sense of humor. His heart is tender and even at 5 years old he just seems to have a spiritual sensitivity that regularly leaves me in awe. With all this joy you’re probably wondering why I’m wrestling with fear. It’s because I’m afraid of ruining him..of dropping the ball as a father.
Raising my daughters I didn’t have any of this. But, the truth is that in many ways I never wanted a son, I would have been perfectly happy with al daughters. The reason is that growing up no one taught me what it really meant to be a man beyond working hard. So, the idea of having to raise a son has always brought to mind one word…FAILURE.
So what am I to do? I’m learning all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and pray. Pray for God to show me in His Word what a father should look like. Pray for the fruit of the Spirit to grow within me. Pray for me to look to my Father in Heaven as my example. Pray to remember that God saves my kids not me. Pray that I don’t define my ability to be a father based on my dad but on my union with Christ.
Men, I don’t know if you struggle with fear like I do. But if you do, I offer you one word…PRAY.
The older I get the more I’m realizing just how weak I am and just how much I need to cry out to my father in heaven. Earlier in my faith, I was wrapped up in reading all the fancy theology books but now as gray hairs are becoming more and more common I find myself not so consumed to devour books but to pour myself out in prayer.
My past will always seek to hold me captive but in prayer, I have found freedom. As E.M. Bounds has written, “Prayer breaks all bars, dissolves all chains, opens all prisons, and widens all straits by which God’s saints have been held.”